Page 37

Before us beckoned the malicious thing,
waving at us with taunting paws from a hotel sign.

In one of the paws was an engagement ring,
in the other - a bundle of doctor's orders.

Page 36

The last embers of the evening sun
crept behind her luminous gold hair.
My soul grimly doffed his hat
and said to the damsel:

"Somewhere in the underworld
Lives a treacherous, spiteful ape.
He is expressly engaged in
giving us misery and worries.
If we have a mere glance at happiness,
he rips this pleasure away from us,
and he gives us the most amazing luck,
at times when we can't make use of it.

For a week I've searched for you, heavenly maiden;
your face came to me in my dreams -
But - to meet you today! Today, of all days!" -
And I told her of my sorrows.

The damsel staggered backward with a pained countenance,
"The ape also worked his ways on me.
I too would love to go out with you,
But yesterday I became engaged!"

--

So we walked alongside the linden trees,
With a sad gaping hole between us.
Then around us clanged a happy and festive noise,
and before us danced the ape!

Pages 34 and 35

Now I only had a soul.

As this peevish and ponderous
soul fluttered home with hope,
it met a blonde damsel,
whom it already knew from before.

Page 33

The door fell shut and I fell to my knees.

"Beware of all excesses!" -

Ladies and gentlemen, can you comprehend
the immensity of this prohibition?!

He'd banned me from wine, liquor, and tobacco,
he'd banned me from all my indulgences.
And now this final, most intense blow -
I felt eviscerated.

My guts were empty and my heart was empty,
and my belly was free of earthly indiscretions.
I had absolutely nothing left -

Page 32

And look, that worked. The specialist
saw, for good or ill, that he had to comply.
But a cruel thirst for vengeance
was reflected in his movements:
on a large sheet of paper
he wrote the names of a hundred delicacies:
"All these," he said, sneering at me,
"you may not eat or drink!
Furthermore, avoid alcohol,
refrain from smoking,
and, of course, stay away from any smoked meats!
Finally" - he seethed with vengeance -
"Please don't forget the most important point:

Beware of all excesses!!!"

And slammed the door behind me.

Page 31

He sat on my lungs,
He tickled me with his beard,
I must have tilted forwards and backwards,
I must have displayed all my sides,
I was spared no humiliation,
And I became ever paler and paler,
And ever more harsh was the torture.
Yet I remained steady and just whimpered:
"I am innocent, Herr Professor!"

Now the specialist perceived
That his horrible efforts were fruitless,
He commanded me again to get up,
Furrowed his brows and resumed:

"Your spleen lies a bit awry,
The liver is too high and the stomach too low,
Also, the large intestine is a little too twisted,
And the small intestine is too straight. In short,
in the threads of your belly,
I find - nothing exceptional!

"Nonetheless, I'd wouldn't like to undertake to
come to a definitive conclusion today.
I must test your stomach internally!
Could you," he shouted with a funny face,
"measure your timing,
so that you eat tomorrow at 12 noon?"

"I could!" I yelled, "but I won't!
If you order me medicine in a beaker,
I will win your favor, truly and honestly -
But if you want me to empty my bowels for you,
Then you'll never see me again!

Page 30

I lay on a medical bed - undressed -
and next to me stood the specialist.
First his eyes probed me for a fairly long time.
He gazed on my defenseless nakedness -
Then he suddenly slammed both fists a meter into my guts.
"Does it hurt?" he asked.
"No!" I said through watery eyes.
Then I might have said "yes." I wagered
that he might have treated my appendix.
The torture got more and more painful:
He pulled on my throat,

Page 29

Please sit, good sir! Your name?
Are you old? Were you born in Prussia?
Your birthplace? Your weight?
Are you married or not?
Have you had to much to eat since yesterday?
Do you have any brothers? Any sisters?
Or are you an only son?
Your job? Your religion?
Your home?" and then after a pause,
"Do you lease or own?"
And he painstakingly wrote down my answers.

To what end he asked these questions, I don't know,
But it seemed to me that probably it was
owing to the height of his fees.

Now I wanted to show him my tongue.
But he told me, scowling, to keep quiet,
and said: "You don't have to say anything.
I can see it for myself! You suffer from stomach problems,
vertigo, morbid weakness,
fainting spells, constant vomiting -"

"No, no," I said, quite frightened, in a cheeping tone,
"It's only a mild ailment!"

But he wouldn't hear it:
"Whether mild or terrible," he shouted angrily,
"That's for me to decide!
Follow me! - Remove your clothes!"
I obeyed, trembling. Only too soon
did I feel total and utter misery:
He wished to extort a confession from me,
He guided me - to his torture chamber -

Page 28

And I had time to practice my smile,
because when I got there, it was half-past one,
and I wasn't due to be there until half-past six!

Finally I joined the back of the line.

I rubbed my cheeks one final time,
as to give the appearance of good health,
then I pranced in.

I bowed while smiling from ear to ear -
And began instantly in a jesting tone:
"A mild ailment---!"

But he didn't pay attention to me.
First he wrote out, in chicken scratch,
the bill for his last patient,

Then he shouted grandly:

"Sit!"

Page 27

And I had absolutely no appetite for it.
Father Winter approached with his pleasures,
and so a plan welled up in my breast:
I would fool the specialist!

Yes, yes, I would go to him looking my best,
"Always smiling and not confessing!"

Page 26

And one day they captured me:
"Because the doctors are at a total loss,"
they tied me and dragged me
by force - to a specialist.

---

I had no confidence at the outset:
They look so regal, so cheerless,
They look half like high priests,
half like executioners.

How fine and lovely your personal doctor is!
He always prescribes white bread and fish.
But if you prefer a giblet,
He'll eventually prescribe that as well.

On the other hand, the specialist,
He is a born sadist!
He prescribes you uncomfortable things,
and bans everything you find palatable!
He prescribes a santarium cure,
that takes only two or three months,
But it's at his private clinic,
So the whole affair takes a half year.